Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Here I am ...

So  ... here I am on You-tube again  ... and AGAIN ... people are just like calling me names and saying the worst stuff possible to me back and forth ... but I found out something... I try to come on tough in the public comments sections ... so that people don't roll over me and take advantage of me ... and then if someone is REALLY SINCERE ... I will PM them with more information ... They have to give me something though .... I'm not going to keep putting my feelings and my heart out there on the chopping block ... no way!  I have realized that I am too precious to God to be used that way by whoever feels like taking his/her anger out on me ... 

I have really tried to witness to people out there ... at the same time ... I am trying to beef up my studies and knowledge of Creation Science ....  I feel like I have so much zeal ... but so little time to actually carry out what I want to do ... my best guess is that it will come in time ... God's time ... as usual - not mine  ..  :  )    But this Creation Chick thing has already gotten farther than I ever expected it to ... I have made so many wonderful friends ... who also believe the same things I do ... and who have the joy and the love of the Lord in them, too. 

What a difference my life is today than the home where I grew up ... God has really changed me ... God has really made me desire to serve Him ... when before ... I just wanted to get by ... just wanted to make it to heaven so that I didn't have to go to Hell .... I thought "well .. 'other people' can do that evangelizing thing ... I  sure wasn't going to be seen as someone out for personal glory or to make people think I'm cool or to toot my own horn ... I was VERY skeptical about A LOT of things back then ....

And why wouldn't I be?  I grew up in a broken home ... my dad was studying to be a pastor  .... never completed it ... always 'in the process' of it   ... and my mom ... well she was mentally ill .... so mentally ill that ... well I still love my mom ... and even now ... even after I have been disowned by her and countless other things ... I want her to love me some day ... I want her to understand me some day ... so I CAN'T say anything against her ... for fear that it would be one more thing for her to use against me ... and then decide once again that she will not love me. 

The part my parents play and have played in my life ... I believe is an important part of my life... and it is an important part of the way God has shown me truths in life and in the life yet to come ...   There is a hidden allegory, I believe, in each person's life .. where God uses our experiences to reveal hidden truths... things we would never be able to comprehend on our own ... expect for the experiences that God guides us through.